


What I Don't Have Now

by CassandraDarcy



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance, post-episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-13
Updated: 2014-02-13
Packaged: 2018-01-12 04:43:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1182053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CassandraDarcy/pseuds/CassandraDarcy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Felicity allowed herself to have a five minute actual human reaction. Post-Heir to the Demon</p>
            </blockquote>





	What I Don't Have Now

**Author's Note:**

> I really have other stuff I need to be doing, but I told myself I couldn’t until I finally finished a piece, so here you go. In lieu of Arrow, I worked this up in about the same time span tonight. Poor, poor Felicity. She’ll be all right, but it’s going to be tough. The title is inspired by a lyric from 1000 Times by Sara Bareilles, which, at this point, is pretty much Felicity’s theme song: then again, i’ll let it go, let it go, cover my mouth, don’t let a single word slip out, wouldn’t wanna tell you, no, tell you, no, nothing could be worse than the risk of losing what I don’t have now…

Felicity was in the ladies' room of Verdant, standing in a stall, while she allowed herself to have a five minute actual human reaction. She stood stock still, hands clenched into fists at her sides, as she squeezed her eyes closed, willing herself not to cry. She could allow herself this time, but she couldn't mess up her makeup. If she did that, she would have to leave because she hadn't had the forethought to bring her bag with her.

 

Diggle had found out first, and he had told her in the gentlest way possible because she could tell he thought it would hurt her. He was right, but she wasn't going to let on. She felt the weight of his words crash into her heart, but she carefully raised her eyebrows in a quizzical expression and replied with a simple, “O-kay.” Then she had promptly turned back to her computer screen, giving it her full attention.

 

John had just sighed and walked away.

 

When Oliver and Sara had shown up mere minutes later, she hadn't nearly been prepared. Nothing was off unless you counted how closely they walked in together, or the looks they kept exchanging. She had trouble concentrating, partly because of Diggle's warning, and partly because she was trying to remember if any of this had been obvious days before. She couldn't recall anything but basic friendly concern and Oliver's general Savior complex. But this... She looked back and forth at them again, where had this come from? She sighed at her monitor. _Furthermore, what did you expect?_ she thought to herself.

 

She clocked two minutes at the corner of her screen, then popped up out of her chair. “Be right back!” she said brightly, and went up the short set of stairs to make her way to the ladies' room of the club. Verdant wasn't open yet, and she wanted to be as far away from the rest of them as possible.

 

Now here she stood, two minutes into her timed mental meltdown and she didn't know where to start. How could she ask Oliver about what he was doing with Sara when technically it wasn't any of her business? It had blindsided her, to say the least. Of all the things she ever expected of Oliver, going back _there_ with Sara wasn't one of them. It didn't seem logical, or healthy, for that matter, but who was she to say?

 

Her stomach twisted, and she took a deep breath. The fact that she was completely and irrevocably in love with Oliver Queen wasn't his fault, but she had thought... She didn't know what she had been thinking if she thought he could ever feel the same way about her. It had started to look that way, but apparently he wasn't interested in the first place, or he was determined to revisit all the greatest hits for the foreseeable future. He had promised her nothing and owed her nothing in that capacity, but she couldn't help it. She felt like crying and throwing up, and she had to get control of it. She wasn't special, and she felt stupid for feeling that way when he looked at her.

 

She had been comfortable being a team with Oliver and Dig, but now she felt things spinning out of control when a good team dynamic was everything. She felt like maybe Roy and Sara were going to hurt more than help, though she knew that wasn't what Oliver intended. But she was starting to waver in her faith that he could see what was right in front of his face.

 

Felicity took a few more deep breaths, unclenched her fists, and let a few tears fall. She didn't collapse in on herself like she felt she could, and it was nothing a couple of tissues couldn't fix. But she was tired of holding things back, reacting the way she was supposed to rather than the way she felt. She missed the days before she ever met Oliver Queen when she could babble and exclaim, rage and cry, and not feel guilty about it. Maybe their responsibilities were bigger than her feelings now, but that didn't mean she didn't still have them. How many times would he unintentionally break her heart before she didn't feel it anymore? She was suddenly afraid to find out.


End file.
